Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
