Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
