My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
