Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
We are two peas in an std pod
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
there is puke in my bra ... again
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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