I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
