Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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