the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize