No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
