I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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