Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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