just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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