You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
