WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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