im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
