threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
