you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
