Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
