I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize