No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
