o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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