I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
