Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
