I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
