I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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