I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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