I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I just found puke in my bra..
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
