You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
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