ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
