I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
