just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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