oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We were destined to go to rehab together
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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