Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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