Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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