Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
