I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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