If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
