thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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