90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
