if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
