I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
