Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize