She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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