you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
