Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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