i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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