wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
