Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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