I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
