Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
