At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
