Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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