can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
