the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
