I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
