just tell him i said nine months
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
