I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
