it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
