That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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