Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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