Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
