Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
