I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
