Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I fill condoms, not promises.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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