i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize