I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
