hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
