umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
